Subtle Kaleidoscope

  I forget now and then, Anything that was said Some years by and i forget, An embarassed smile saying i forgot your birthday sneha But you know i saw that cake squashed I forget sometimes, I remember just to remind myself i forget you now I forget i used to remember everything once said, I really forgot your birthday too I forgot what you liked I forgot what the last text said I remember what i felt but i forgot what i read I forget your sister's name  Only know you by your brother's I forgot he never looked at me once, After the news spread I forgot who called me from your house that day I forgot what your mother said I forget if we were ever friends You didn't make me feel loved and neither did i Two kids trying to save themselves the best slice I forgot you had grief I forgot you wanted something you couldn't have And i blamed your mother As much as i blame mine I forget you loved her, As much as I love mine I blamed me , I forgot your friends told me, I couldn'...

  “…mind over matter is magic, I do magic…”   . . .   Yesterday I told this person, I like listening to these songs showing that one playlist we all have that we are so damm proud of in our hearts but still think twice before showing someone, because we wonder if that would be embarrassing, what if they hate these songs? We’ll be enemies? Poles apart? And what if they like them too, then what? True love? A match?   What if they neither hate it nor love it, then what will you do Sona? Then what? How will you decide if it’s a match made in heaven or if it’s an old vendetta our souls may have had? What will you do babe, if you can’t decide if it’s one extreme or the other? What if it’s neither nothing nor everything? What if it is meant to stay right in the middle with you having to balance it for the rest of your lives? “It’s just a playlist”, Sneha tells Sona. “You will be okay” the only embarrassing thing I feel about my playlist is how each song that I lik...

There's so much to do, Sneha . So much to see, so much to absorb, so much to feel, so much to be. How will you be? When will you be?  I literally never address myself with the name my family calls me, I never talk to Sona. I am afraid if she even exists in my world. I do have Sneha, different types of her, and different kinds of her. But only if I had a Sona. Technically, I am both Sona and Sneha, but I was Sona and I am Sneha. Sona is me till, I guess, 5th standard ; everything after that is Sneha. I have had someone tell me I should talk to Sona and tell her it's okay and acknowledge her, hug her. Honestly, that makes me cry so I don't do it often. It's like hugging someone you know will leave. It's like hugging someone who is not even there. So I let her play around. She dances to weird songs and reads love novels and binge eats snacks and tells you everything she knows about herself . I don't feel like correcting her, she'll grow up otherwise. I am tryin...

bits of replaying a song and wishing some lyrics changed.  (I may not be original but i learnt how to improvise better ; ) . . . Honey, when I am  Lying under the trees , I see what you see I stare blank at beliefs And I am, right now, pushing up trying to make a touch Through branches breaking up my sky. Showed you all of my hiding spots, Hide and seek , in disbelief I was still seeking when you stopped. Hearing locker keys, and small talks freeze A one that opens up my door. When did all our lessons, started to look like weapons pointed at my deepest hurt? A fool you dream, With a big man scream, I hope you get what you see, I haven't loved the new me yet, She'll never give you that. No I didn't mean that; Sorry I can't see facts, through all my man made mess. Honey, when I am above the trees , I see it for what is. But you're, right now, signing off letters  that you wrote, with an insincere "Yours Sincerely " bribery; it all makes sense t...

so long but so often. that is what i say, whenever she asks me anything about how i am doing. that is how i feel. so long and so often. i can try to picture where it all went wrong for the first time but no, there wasn't a first time for it. it always felt wrong.  no matter how hard i try to brush it off, or shrug it off, or choke on it slowly, or die for it fast, anything that i can do will only lead me to live, with this burden. i was better off pleasing myself by pleasing few. now i don't seem to care about pleasing anyone, because there is so much to run for, their list goes on and on and on. I try talking it out, but i can't. i cant make anyone understand how is it like. People are fighting demons that look like the hell hounds, demons that will dig their claws and tear flesh away. demons that are demons. funny thing is that, everyone out there fighting a demon thinks that their demon is unique ; that they are fighting a war that never occurred before and are drunk on ...

  I will stand between the heavens and the earth for you. . . . “You can leave me.” “I won’t. it’s alright.” A big sigh, and a bigger breath. “You shoul d leave me.” “I will not” This place is crowed with so many people, feels like it would have been fine if one or two died. No difference could have been made. Look around, avoid eye contact. “Weather is nice today.” A big sigh, and a bigger breath. Long pause, longer glare. “I don’t want to talk about the weather.” Pauses , and begins fidgeting. Nails, grass, fingers, rings. A gust of wind and pats the sweat off. “It is really … a nice windy day.” Hands held hands; eyes saw eyes; and a confession was let out. “ I don’t want to talk about the weather. Tell me why, what, when. Tell me what you like about ants. Tell me why there is a seahorse shaped birthmark on your belly and on what side and why you think it is a seahorse. Tell me about that one time you overstayed at your grandma’s. Tell me how many times y...

"Stop your crying, baby It's a sign of the times We gotta get away from here;" . . . I had this brilliant continuation of my “I want to be alone” thought. I still pretty much want to cry when things go wrong and not tell a single living soul about it. But I am also terrified of being abandoned, of being left unseen. I think I could love being a curse or wish more than I would want me to be anyone’s habit. You know I want to be alone; but I don’t want to be left alone. You see the difference? It’s a very slight one. I want to have space, but I want it within the walls of something defined. I don’t think I imagine floating in the damn space when I say I want to be alone. I see myself lying in the garden ; I need someone to watch over me , not constantly but warn me before it starts to rain because I have this beautiful dress I don’t want to ruin . And I asked myself, “Do you need someone you can trust your fears with?”. ”Exactly.” I thought I finally reached a part wh...

  Writer’s block I have a few incomplete, unfinished , distributed documents of various topics that I have been writing over months and today is the day I am moving past my writer’s block. (Welcome back, you!) It’s been days since I wrote something. I usually write things that make me sad (I got to find a better word than ‘sad’ ), because I feel this is my safe space (even when I know people read this). Well, this blog is not my safe place; the time, the moment that I am writing this or the stretch of days I have been writing bits and pieces of this is my safe place. Don’t you find it quite poetic ? My safe place being time that will not come back , but leaving a mark (scar) to prove that it existed? I have so much to say and yet so little to tell. ‘It is easy’ you will say, ‘ just start ’. But I don’t want to start because I don’t have sentences that start the story ,I just have fillers. A series of incomplete conversations and jumping over things to process them faster, and b...