White Ferrari

 

“…mind over matter is magic, I do magic…”

 

. . .

 

Yesterday I told this person, I like listening to these songs showing that one playlist we all have that we are so damm proud of in our hearts but still think twice before showing someone, because we wonder if that would be embarrassing, what if they hate these songs? We’ll be enemies? Poles apart? And what if they like them too, then what? True love? A match?  What if they neither hate it nor love it, then what will you do Sona? Then what? How will you decide if it’s a match made in heaven or if it’s an old vendetta our souls may have had? What will you do babe, if you can’t decide if it’s one extreme or the other? What if it’s neither nothing nor everything? What if it is meant to stay right in the middle with you having to balance it for the rest of your lives?

“It’s just a playlist”, Sneha tells Sona. “You will be okay” the only embarrassing thing I feel about my playlist is how each song that I like feels like someone is wailing. Have you heard of White Ferrari? When he wails, singing, ‘I do magic’, while in the rest of the song he basically just whispers. And when I showed my songs to that person, the words that I heard back were “You really need to stop listening to these songs”, and I smiled magnificently. As I was explaining how good it sounds I took the liberty to say that this song sounds how peace might feel, how loving unrequitedly, might feel, that I think this is what I think a soul’s journey might sound when the other even refuses to hold hands. And then I was interrupted.

“Don’t tell me these things.”

“Why?” I knew the answer though.

“It makes me feel like running away from here, you know. Like...not wanting to care anymore”

“I know” and I smiled.

I have had some people tell me that they want to be like me and that is honestly a very nice compliment. but i do tell them not to be like me. But I think if I had a chance to be someone, I’d be me too, again. I think I love it more when people who have seen this certain angle of me decide to not be that side of me, you know. I like that they are self-aware, I love that they want majestic jewels and not paper rings. I love that they know what they are doing most of times, I love that about them, and I also pity how people are afraid to cry and be sad, I pity how sadness or anything remotely close to this feeling hinders their functioning. Because I have been living with it. I somehow love how I almost make everyone feel like they deserve to run away somewhere. And what I love more, is that they choose to be sane rather than doing that. Well, honestly it breaks my heart just a little obviously, but it also somehow reminds me that I am running wild with my thoughts and emotions. I think even if I might not qualify for being THE perfect everything everyone wants me to be, the kind of perfect daughter, sister, girlfriend, wife, mother, I am quite overqualified in being a human. That too a human being who lives in between a rationalist and the other's, empirical thoughts.

I think that we are fed this idea that we can either lead our lives with reason, passion and ambition or we can conform to traditional views, be normal, question less and agree more. Most of the time we are made to believe we can be one and the problem I think is not the choices we have, but the problem lies in how we are also conditioned to despise a person following a different color of this spectrum from us. A realist often despises how laid back a dreamer might be, and a dreamer can’t stand the idea of how grounded a realist is. This is reflected in the way we all love each other too. I know because I do this too, I did this too. Because I despise people who are not like me, I can tolerate them but they are never my comfort crowd. There’s this quote I used to live by for the longest period of my life, ‘Love each other or perish’, and not going to lie I perished most of the time. I used to think you are either supposed to give everything or nothing, I used to think that we are supposed to choose a person we give everything irrespective of what we get (although I still think this is right because I think MY life will come to an end the moment I stop loving people around me) but now I think that the middle, the comfort of being normal, the comfort of being calm and the faith it brings is incomparable.

I believe this is the most perfect way of being with someone too, to be with them in the middle, in between moments of utmost closeness and utmost distances. Somewhere in the middle, a point which perfectly balances both sides. Somewhere between picnics and silent phones. Between ‘I love you’ and ‘I hate you’. Between proposals and broken homes. Between ‘Hello’ and ‘goodbye’. I wish to be somewhere in the middle.  I want to go to the rooftop with you, lie down on our backs to see the sky, it might have stars or probably it will just be dark, I won’t mind it because I am with you and I am lying under something so majestic, a bare-naked sky, completely limitless. And we would share a single pair of earphones, listen to White Ferrari or some song you like, and I’ll cry. I’ll not wail, but you’ll see tears roll down my cheeks and you will cry too, not particularly because we are sad or unhappy but because the sky is so beautiful, everything that is around us is real and happening. We’ll lay there and cry because this is reality and in the vast possibilities of our realities, we found each other. We’ll not hug or cuddle, no, I will want something in the middle of the two extremes, I’ll want to meet you somewhere in the middle of existing as an individual being and being intertwined with your soul. I will not want to cuddle you at that moment when I am under the realization of my individual reality, and I will also not want to let the experience go through me without you. So, I’ll reach for your hand, or maybe you will, having read my mind and we’ll hold hands. Just hold hands. We’ll see what we will be seeing. After some time, you’ll look over your shoulder and I’ll look over mine, we’ll make a stupid comment about maybe how cold it is or how our backs will hurt now. Laugh at our own lame comments. Get up and leave. It might look like it came and passed by too soon. It might not feel like an extraordinary date. But I think nothing is better than existing with someone naturally. It is important to me and should be to everyone because, you are going to live and be a human being leaving a footprint of your existence, it is important to find someone you are comfortable sharing your existence with.

‘Touch grass’, heard this right? From now on, touch your people, hold them; be them and let them be you, allow them to be you, give them a part of you and take some part of them and keep it with you. As long as you live, you can never lose a person and what they brought to your life and breathe with the thought that this is not a curse. And believe it or not it will always come down to loving each other or perishing : )