so long, so often

so long but so often.

that is what i say, whenever she asks me anything about how i am doing. that is how i feel. so long and so often. i can try to picture where it all went wrong for the first time but no, there wasn't a first time for it. it always felt wrong. 

no matter how hard i try to brush it off, or shrug it off, or choke on it slowly, or die for it fast, anything that i can do will only lead me to live, with this burden. i was better off pleasing myself by pleasing few. now i don't seem to care about pleasing anyone, because there is so much to run for, their list goes on and on and on. I try talking it out, but i can't. i cant make anyone understand how is it like. People are fighting demons that look like the hell hounds, demons that will dig their claws and tear flesh away. demons that are demons. funny thing is that, everyone out there fighting a demon thinks that their demon is unique ; that they are fighting a war that never occurred before and are drunk on boasting about the dreadfulness of their demons.

i have a small one. probably the one you defeated on level 1 of your game. my mother thinks my demon is my inability to want things, to desire good, to be great. true, i don't want to be great, i want to be good. the complexity of always trying to be too much is digging a cavity in my mind. the domino effect of one wrong choice. my demon is docile which i think is the actual problem. i control it, which means i cause it. i blame hormones, place, people for each time i spiral. and then i tell myself it was nothing , it was a prank, a joke to keep everything going.

For a long period of time, I was fighting with myself on how I would ever be content and satisfied. People tell the same old BS, you  know, “Be happy with what you have”, “Don’t be fickle minded”, “Choose one path ”, “Make a decision”. Most of my friends think I can’t make decisions because I tell them that. I have explicitly told  people I can’t make decisions and for a much longer period of time I thought that is supposed to be my problem, that Sneha Karki can’t make decisions. And the truth really is that I can’t. I can’t stick to a decision for more than 24 hours without digging out the faults in it. So technically I thought I won’t be getting this contentment thing ever. But then I thought , and I told myself my content should be something that makes me happy. What if being constant about something Is not my happiness? What if being variable about things around me make me happier? What if that is my contentment?

Two days after I cut my hair, I was telling someone I hate that I cut my hair so short in an instant, and that person said, “it’s fine, from now on grow them”. Then I said, “but what if I want to cut it again” and the person said, “then cut them”. But am I not supposed to stick with something, one thing that actually makes me happy, I thought to myself , like other people do, like strong people do, like people who commit to a purpose do, like every New York time bestselling self-help book tells you, like the ted talk people say?

Nope. I am not supposed to. I like change. It makes me feel I am reinventing something inside me. That is my happiness. My honesty is laughing at myself when I trip and fall down. I never wished to be easily defined. i say one thing and i think the other.

but i wish i had the energy to please people around me with facts they would want to listen, run errands for the list they give me. i am so tired of being tired but not in a way you can see. i move. i pace. i run. i gulp food faster. i come and go like wind. i make impulsive decisions. i smile. i wave. i cut my hair way too short after busting my ass for 5 years growing them and then feel nothing. and feel everything. 

. . .

 

“...what if the purpose of your life is to experience everything, and everywhere and everyone who lives through you, in you, by you.”

“But it won’t be as big as someone wanting to go to Mars or Jupiter or to make rockets and cars.”

“It will be big enough for someone willing to cut their hair short and wanting to grow them back, in an instant ”

“Well…”

. . .

honestly, i could not thank my parents more for making me question myself before crying, or expressing. couldn't help but thank my mother for making it my instinct to never leave my guards down because she told me people don't expect me to make mistakes. i want to thank them for raising me in a way that i prioritize the whole world before myself. special shout out to people who make people like me feel like shit when we bargain. for them, i hope there is one locked door in front of you and the more you bang the door the more they lock it from the other side.

and for me, i stand still like a barge at the sea. so f**k you and f**k it!