स्नेहा

There's so much to do, Sneha . So much to see, so much to absorb, so much to feel, so much to be. How will you be? When will you be? 

I literally never address myself with the name my family calls me, I never talk to Sona. I am afraid if she even exists in my world. I do have Sneha, different types of her, and different kinds of her. But only if I had a Sona. Technically, I am both Sona and Sneha, but I was Sona and I am Sneha. Sona is me till, I guess, 5th standard ; everything after that is Sneha.

I have had someone tell me I should talk to Sona and tell her it's okay and acknowledge her, hug her. Honestly, that makes me cry so I don't do it often. It's like hugging someone you know will leave. It's like hugging someone who is not even there. So I let her play around. She dances to weird songs and reads love novels and binge eats snacks and tells you everything she knows about herself . I don't feel like correcting her, she'll grow up otherwise. I am trying to sit with her and talk to her without melting on the floor in a fetal position and cry. I am not yet prepared for her to see I am just like her, that I didn't change. She wanted me to grow up into something beautiful, and I am trying to be beautiful; I will be , but just in case I didn't , I wonder if she'll still love me the same or would she carry the burden of me. I just have to hear her say: "It's okay, I will love you either way." My parents love me, my friends do too; I was loved, I am loved and i will be, I know. But as a kid who felt everything to her core and was full of energy that she could change the world, I wanted to be loved that way too. Sadly, my mother doesn't know how to love that way (not her fault) , so i missed significantly on that "Love out loud" kind of love. The noisy, repetitive, moves Oceans, hugs and kisses kind of love. So when i didn't get it from anyone, I had to convince Sneha that it's a Fantasy and it doesn't exist, but boy oh boy, Sona still wishes people knew her favorite color and her favorite flower and her favorite movies and her favorite everything. She's out there over pouring hints and clues for someone to pick up.

I am not worried about Sona, she will do fine. She still believes in fairy tales and prince charming and castles and Barbie dresses and princess shoes. She still believes she can change the world. I think about Sneha. Where is she? What is she doing ? What's going on with her? Did she just succumb to despair?

Sneha grew up listening to what she is, what she is not, what she can be, what she can not by everyone. I know this because even though my parents and family call me Sona, it almost never fells like her, it feels like a Sneha. Sneha does whatever the f**k she wants at the end of the day, and then she spends the entire night fidgeting, writing, and wondering about everything, segregating complements, promises and snide remarks (quoting them directly)

"Sneha is so intelligent"; "Sneha is really gifted"; "Sneha is very sweet and kind hearted" ; "Sneha is hyperactive", "Sneha is careless"; "Sneha makes silly mistakes", "Sneha keep trying" ,"Sneha can't concentrate"; "Sneha I relate to you a lot", "Sneha is too emotional"; "Sneha gets anxious"; "Sneha I can talk to you about literally anything", "Sneha I don't think you'll understand", "Sneha you are very understanding ","Sneha is arrogant and selfish" ;"Sneha take care", "Sneha I can't stay with a sick person" , "Sneha is not this but that"; " Sneha is this but not that"; "Sneha is lovable"; "Sneha you don't do anything", "Sneha , you deserve happiness"; "Sneha I am proud of you"; "Sneha you disappointed me" ; "Sneha is too much"; "Sneha you changed"; "Sneha trust me", "Sneha is childish", "Sneha, breathe have some water", "Sneha talks a lot", "Sneha you don't speak much", "Sneha is pretty", "Sneha you look good", "Sneha, what are you doing", "Sneha you could start modelling", "Sneha you should stop writing", "Sneha congratulations on your book", "Sneha I don't want to talk about it", "Sneha I don't care", "Sneha I am happy for you", "Sneha calm down",

"Sneha, I read about it last night, Google said breathing exercises help"

"Sneha try breathing, give it a chance"

And 5 years later, it's now me, telling myself ;

Sneha, be calm, breathe. Quick ones.

Sneha hold on to your heart. Sneha, you'll get through this.

1...2...3

Sneha, take a deep breath.

Sneha, it's okay. Go to sleep.

 . . .

Sneha is her biggest fan too. She feels like she loves her a lot. She's grateful she exists. And she hopes people around her are grateful for having her too. There are people who do too much for her and she feels she exploits them and that she will stop them from doing so, she doesn't want to be selfish. There are people who don't and she hates that too and she wonders what if places switched; she wants to be selfish. She's figuring it out, it's taking so long; it's troubling her everyday but she'll give herself the best, she always does that. She has a few good friends who will not particularly die for her but they do care about her in their own ways. She is trying and she gets fed up, but she does her thing anyway. She loves. She cares. Sometimes she doesn't. She can be rude too. She's quite pretty too, specially when she wakes up drooling and with puffy eyes. She loves out loud publicly, also when no-one's around. She knows her favorite color, her favorite flower and her favorite movies. She's just tired, she needs to spend some time closer to her home . I hope she does. A homesick feeling but not for home.