Subtle Kaleidoscope

epitaph  of a water sign They say that the more you dive in, The harder it gets to stop yourself From diving in, From diving in and trying To find the deepest you can go To find the longest you can hold; The harder it gets to stop yourself from dying. Much harder than crying Is to dive into something so dark and wet, So cold and dead; To pierce open his heart To tear apart, The waves that went quiet The ripples which just collide  Within themselves. They say the more you dive  The harder it gets to survive, Outside on something solid and fine  Like the land where my footsteps don't sink. The harder it gets to love life  Around the air that leaves you dry . The harder it gets to blink; The harder it gets to stop yourself From choking on water From soaking, In the dirtiest reeds In the ashes of people I had to burn The harder it gets to unlearn how to grow weeds ;  To forget the lessons they forced me to learn. Someone touched me, That hand on my shoulder lai...

 . . . I had a breakdown at 2:54 PM. But long before actually physically having the breakdown I knew I was going to have it. I knew the signs, I knew the triggers and at some point, I think I knew my biggest trigger is actually “me finding new triggers”. Like me exploring the cascade waves of the ocean through all the storm and lightning , but I figured as time passed by that the storm has either fallen into a void and now has no sound at all or the constant raging winds that were cold, carrying spikes of frozen tears of rain have pierced my ears to finally make me deaf. Maybe I am still sailing , exploring the waters for I may have grown a secret liking for a thunderstorm that either went quiet for me and giving up its very nature of being, or chose to make me deaf so that I endure its very nature of being. Either way, it remains to be the most unfortunate love story no one will know about, except for me. Either way, it just remains a story.  I  am still ...

  I was too afraid (or maybe too conscious) to take my life, so I let life take me, piece by piece, part by part. Now this may sound totally a hypothetical emotional philosophy but if u know me , like if u ‘know’ know me for more than few years now and you know exactly how much the significance of thought spiral is then you know it’s not just a bleak philosophy , it has physical practical causes : ) And I will never share the pain because I don’t feel it anymore; I feel it’s absorbed around my walls and that this   pain is all mine not yours, maybe suffering is mutually ours. I read it somewhere people who suppress pain and anger are more prone to diseases because by suppressing it they train the body to hide their symptoms too, which I feel is quite true. And the inverse is also true. When you don’t hide away your pain , when you get angry, get sad more often than your body also starts showing the same pathetic courage, of being brave in being sad , as you do.   Yo...

  "I know how people gently push you forward so that you move ahead, and they don't hurt you. But you need shoving, not pushing. And I will do that." “You are all the colors in one, at full brightness.” _Theodore Finch . . .  The most endearing character from any book that Jennifer Niven has written is Theodore Finch. And Theodore Finch says, "We will Graduate from high school soon; we all will leave this city. Don't you wanna know what this city has?" It's soooo natural and neural and genuinely appropriate to question. Sometimes I just want to hang on to these books, these Novels no matter how depressing they may be. And what is depression if it isn't questioning what most people choose to ignore. If it isn't letting yourself question the choices, you are constantly making for yourself while being under the influence of someone else. If it isn't questioning the very thought that God exists, love exists because in my experi...

. . . A question to you To the demon that stays in my head To the letter I wrote to which I never gave an end To the book that gave me hope in dead To the pessimism that baked my day red And I said, " Do you love me enough to have stayed this long inside my head?" The book, the letter, the pessimism then fell quiet, They got tired from my constant need  to clarify. But my demon chuckled and gave a cry, "You are a cathedral of hope that is dead, And you would rather burn yourself red Than change your locks and be fed  With Love, the only medicine to your sad." And I think that My demon loves me more , (my bad) With a teary glare and a little courage that I always lacked, I whispered to my demons, " You have my permission not to ever love me back." _s.k.

  Kalopsia_ The delusion of things being more beautiful than they are. . . . And I feel , somehow I am a kalopsia, caught in a kalopsia in this kalopsiatic world. My brain hurts ; like a fog over a lake during a cold morning , kalopsia hover like a fog on my waters. Convince me otherwise, if u can.                                  . . .

"Mental illness is like fighting a war where the enemy's strategy is to convince you that the war isn't actually happening." . . .  So I took the enneagram test few days back and I still can't get over the results. I m type "Two" personality; the helper/ the giver/ the sensitive. I looked up on the internet and found the song "Two" from "sleeping at last"  was for people with type Two personality like me.  And you know what ? tht song kills me and yet makes me feel understood. Those lyrics, I can relate to tht song not because I am the one saying them but I wish I was the one they were said to; those are the words that I say to fictional characters in my mind hoping they'll say tht back too. "Sweet heart, you look a little tired." This got me crying, the very first line. You get tht? How accurate this song is for people of type Two. The YouTube comments section was worth reading , more than the video itself. I wanna shar...