Writer’s block
I have a few incomplete, unfinished , distributed documents
of various topics that I have been writing over months and today is the day I
am moving past my writer’s block. (Welcome back, you!) It’s been days since I
wrote something. I usually write things that make me sad (I got to find a
better word than ‘sad’ ), because I feel this is my safe space (even when I
know people read this). Well, this blog is not my safe place; the time, the
moment that I am writing this or the stretch of days I have been writing bits
and pieces of this is my safe place. Don’t you find it quite poetic ? My safe
place being time that will not come back , but leaving a mark (scar) to prove
that it existed?
I have so much to say and yet so little to tell. ‘It is easy’
you will say, ‘ just start ’. But I don’t want to start because I don’t have
sentences that start the story ,I just have fillers. A series of incomplete
conversations and jumping over things to process them faster, and boom, you
reach a stage where I am .
So, I thought let me just put them together. Let me show you
the fillers because I am still, yet to find the starting and ending. Just the
way I typed them back then, with all the spaces I left for my characters and
stuff. I hope you will love to know how my mind works.
8/10/2022 8:56 PM
When the fear of being fearful eats you up , what are you
then? What part of you remains then? What part of you remains as the real
legitimate you ? or What part of you is not fear?
What is that point called when you don’t even want to face the fear anymore, not because you are too afraid to (like if you choke on the same thing every day , I don’t think it would be a problem after a few; the fear of choking yourself to death dies when every time you survive it. probably after some time it rather becomes the highlight of your hour/ day/week/year, and that at one point you start craving it because you have forgotten other ways to validate it . You just know that the more you do the thing that chokes you , the more you will get used to it that eventually it won’t even be a fear to you. Rather negative example to support this statement but this is what practice makes a man perfect is for me apparently) , but you don’t want to face them because you feel they aren’t doing much harm to you in the real sense. Just bunch of insecurities, emotions, complexities, grudges, obnoxity , hate, love, faith, lies, truths, smiles, tears all bottled up, against the heart wrecking desire to let them go; let the bottle crack open for once; let them all fall out of place haphazardly so that this time when you pick then back up you throw away the awful ones to the place between our horizons.
(But they are doing
an irreparable damage to your core beliefs, and you are not doing anything to
stop it because others have made you
doubt your core beliefs in their slightest remarks, jokes, or straightforward
altercations on how dumb you are to dream about getting a sun when getting a
moon is far easier )
You ever wished for something so pure and delicate and
Because the bottle I am holding all my blood in appeared as
glass but with time I figured out its just plastic, a byproduct of my coping
mechanism . You see, to be so fearful of one thing that you give it the power
to turn you into a completely different thing; that it changes the fundamental
traits of your personality and turn you into some person that you would have
craved as a child but now hate the idea of it as an adult . But you see even if
it’s plastic the baggage inside it is the same, would be same, will be same.
If I find a pretty flower I will pluck it, I’ll want it to
be mine ; likewise, a pretty book , or book tabs or bookmarks or highlighters
or pens or just bare blank pages or anything that is standing with all the
other things, perfectly normal, until you decide it is not . I guess all my life (the barely complete 20 years
of my inconsistent life) I have had the habit of being normal , different but
normal.
3/11/2023 7:46 PM
Dear me ,
I want you to be my audience this time ; well u always are
but usually I have things to say about some people, or about me or addressing
someone/something but this time I am
addressing no one. Really.
So, tell me , how did a golden retriever makes friends with
everyone , “ohh I wrote you a poem ” person went to a “ I mostly stay in my
room” , have very few friends and still don’t like them, ”ohh I really don’t
care” person? Remember when I used to
yell at them saying I just want to be alone and remember how relieved I was to
be going to a place where no one knows the real me so I can pretend to be a
higher self ; well, turns out I was kind of wrong .
This makes me realize that the thing they say “you know the
importance of something when you no longer have it ” may be true. But the thing “you don’t know
how bad you are going to hate something you don’t have until you have it ” shit
is really true. Not that I hate everything I have here. This place really gave
me the one best thing of my life (no but).
Hi it’s me, the ‘HE’. No, I am not the last one; and no, I
am not the one you think I am . This time I am the bundled effort of hers to
put her hate through a third person view. Now you may think if it’s plural why
didn’t she use ‘THEM’ instead ? well, for that she is a coward actually and it
scares the shit out of her to try tackling humungous accusations she had
planned for herself before writing this, because for her ‘them’ is everyone,
all of the people who ever shared the same air with her. Well, then she could
have used a ‘she’ right? No, strangely she has very few and very specific
problematic ‘she’-s in her life so far but this time she’s miraculously very
brave to be facing the few small trackable issues.
I love being alone. Purely because of how saddening it can
be. Or like how maddening it can be ; how good it is to cry your heart out or
how amazing it is to dance . Or how beautiful it is to keep jumping between
these. But yet again, when I see some friends out on walks, when I see them
amazing Instagram stories, when I see people laughing on their inside jokes,
when I see
It makes me realize (again) that although I love being alone
, I don’t want to.
I want a hug that would just make things alright for a
minute , but I am tired of begging for it.
No, I haven’t actually verbally begged for a hug ever, but I just have longed It so much, begged myself so many times to verbally start begging for it that I am sick of it now. But I want a hug.
5 outgoing calls; she
didn’t pick up. Called him, he said she’s with them , u know cakes and
balloons. I am happy for her, for everyone , I just wish I didn’t call her. No,
I don’t hate this or that , I hate being reminded I am on my own now, which on
the contrary is something I always have believed. I am a living contradiction
of thoughts and choices.
He’s beautiful. He’s the kind of person that makes you want
to give up on your obstructing semi colons and really start swinging on full
stops, you know. The kind of person that gives you the assurance that he will
stay with you no matter what.
I hope I am not adding baggage to him. He looks tired of me
sometimes, but I guess I should
I read something which reminded me of how ‘forever’ is not
an accurate measure of how much ; forever is different for different people.
Forever holds a different importance , serves as a very distinctive purpose in
different people’s life.
For some it maybe the title of their chapter , like ‘
Forever Land ’ or for some it would be the
Last sentence of their story like “so forever was a lie.”
Some would see it as the ray of hope, others would remember it in the times of
gloom.
1/1/2022 9:13 PM
To the universe-
Was this all what I have been manifesting silently,
subconsciously?
“I don’t deserve love ”/ “I am not made for it”/ “I am
not the perfect person they want me to be”/ “I am always sad.”
Was it? Was it all
what we say unintentionally that end up being true?
And were those signs?
“The spiral”/”I like being alone”/”I am okay with
everything.”
I am not good at manifesting or affirming or all those
astrological things but all I know is I at least deserve better than what I
have been (over)thinking from the past
years. Maybe not magnificently best, but just a consistent good
12/12/2022 11:33 PM
I started this year with a resolution to never fall in love
with anyone, and just like all the resolutions people usually take , this was
also bound to go unnoticed . I knew that.
I hated touch ; I hated talking to people about how I
All this time I always thought that if two people disagree
on something, then only one of them is right and I spent all my life and energy
into being the one that was always right. Then, I started being the one who
doesn’t care if they are right or not. I just wanted out of conversations, and
I wanted out of group chats ; I wanted to sit alone with my
How you fell asleep twice while talking to me at night, only if I could see you falling asleep: )
How beautiful you look when you sleep , how curious you are about everything.
How peaceful it is
I don’t want to see you cry ; it breaks my heart . Sorry, I
didn’t hold you that day or touched you. I was so,
11/26/2022 11:19 PM
Maybe the reason it’s so hard to let go of you is because
you were my first person . not just in cute romantic ways but in normal
pathetic ways.
The first person who made me cry the hell out while arguing,
the first person to make me feel happy about my birthday because I would expect
you to make it special, the first person who ruined both of them too. The first
person who made me realize how cold I can be , the first person to make me feel
loved for. The fir
8/10/2022 8:02 PM
Two roads diverged in the yellow woods,
Again , I stand
no time in hand
but plenty; I am convinced
plenty of it, plenty of it
I must remind myself
Plenty of it , I chant.
Two roads submerged in the woods
The sound I planned all along lost in that day
Was scared more to explore the truth
And excited to stay
lied to
Lied by and
lied about
the reasons were my causes
and the cause was theses reasons somewhere well hid
between those roads
Cry? Try? Say goodbye?
Or struggle, sit and wave at them with a generous “HI”
. . .
So, this was it. It’s actually kind of cool I moved past ,my writers block by basically compiling all my previous blocks. I do that often. I make good out of bad. I make something out of nothing , just like my mother says : )
. . .
5/17/2023 11:11 PM
I always thought I was too intense and too naïve for people
to handle me. Too much of so much and too little of what I should be. Fuel to
the fire were my words that no matter how hard I tried to spew out , bounced
back from walls and found their way back. But I am not. I am not too much. I am
not too little. Why can’t I just be? Why can’t I always be in rush ? Why can’t I be lazy sometimes? Why
can’t my dreams be rare? What is the problem if they are too common? What if I
don’t have any dreams? What if I have a lot of them ? What if ?
I wish, I want, I hope someone chooses you over and over
again, like I do. Over and over again. Consistently, consciously; without
second thoughts. Never second thoughts. Love and love. Over, over, again. Everyday.
Every week; all months. Many years.
. . .
Wow that was heavy 😶 noice tho🙃
ReplyDeletethenks :)
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